It's 6:00 am and my alarm sounds louder than ever. Why did I promise my site partner that I would go to mass this morning. I usually wake up at 7, so this is hard.
Yesterday, we found out a past Salesian Lay Missioner, who worked in Cambodia 3 years ago, passed away. We wanted to do something special for her so we decided to go to mass.
I was nervous to go to mass because I needed to go to confession. Last night, I debated choosing 7a.m for my alarm and saying I overslept.
You quickly spoke to me and said "NO KATIE" , and I set my alarm for 6.
Mass was in Khmer and for me, it's extra hard to pay attention, but during the consecration I was very aware that I could not receive You. For daily mass, they usually give your body and not your blood.
Today was special, and they did both. I was sad that I could not receive You. In Cambodia, we don't know when the next confession will be. Many priests only say confession in Khmer, and won't do an english confessions.
Mass finished, and I noticed that one sister asked for Confession. My heart started to race, like it always does when I really need to go.
I asked the sister to tell the priest not to leave after she goes, so I could go. I waited my turn and then walked in. He was a French priest. He knows English, but we joked because he is loosing his English. He speaks so much Khmer that he never gets to practice English.
I told him my sins, and I was shocked at what he said next. He told me that the sins, are sins of the flesh, and we shouldn't focus on them. We need to focus on our heart and why our heart is causing us to act. There is a deeper reason to why our body reacts the way it does.
Jesus, you know my heart. You know I don't like looking into my heart. It's painful for me. But Jesus, I know you bring so much light. You also bring truth, but I am scared.
I don't want to look. I don't want you to see me in the state that I am. I don't feel good enough for you.
But I hear you say, "Do not be afraid"... "Come to me, my child"
Psalm 139
23 Probe me, God, know my heart;
try me, know my thoughts.
24 See if there is a wicked path in me;
lead me along an ancient path
Lord, you know my heart. Draw me closer to you, and not to things of this world. I love you.
Amen
